A couple literally leaning on one another while they waited for the light to turn green…
I’ve been talking so much recently about the content feelings I finally have when it comes to being single at this point and time in my life. For a long time, I’ve always felt that great sense of search- worried that if I wasn’t out and about all the time, that one person might miss me. A silly thought, I know, because I believe the right one never truly misses us, but still a valid and very real consideration at that…
After spending time overseas in different cultures, I will forever be grateful for the wholeness I found in being with myself. Still always wanting that love in my life, but also not feeling as though I needed it to breathe. What’s funny is that some of the most gifted experiences and people came at times when I was solo traveling- aka strictly focusing on surviving in foreign places where I knew nothing about nothing… My mind was always so occupied and honed in on self survival that for the first time I found myself not outwardly seeking that connection, and yet somehow though, I still am able to sit here and reminisce on such special and unique moments that occurred- all when I wasn’t looking for them.
But I guess that’s what people always say (and always at the worst times might I add…), right?
“It’ll come when you least expect it.” “You have to stop looking for it.”
Sound advice, but also much easier said than done…
Well, thankfully, God graced me with moments these last several months that taught me just that. That in my moments of self survival and not worrying about who I would stumble upon in my path, somehow the right people always appeared, and we’d decide to walk together for a few miles on this road of life.
But it’s funny- how moments and feelings can be so finicky… Just 24 hours ago, I was sitting with a friend, describing to her the peace I finally felt being with only myself at the moment- as I have been for the last 22 years. That somehow along the way these last several months, I found that sweet spot of wanting, but not needing, open, but not overly seeking. That state of mind that so many have been telling me to get to for so long.
However, it’s now a new day and a new moment, and I’m finding myself struggling to find that peace I so recently spoke about. The work week is over- and an unusually hard one at that…- and as I’ve discovered the blessing of being able to sit by myself and use this time to pursue what I want- painting, writing, whatever my heart desires, to be quite frank, my heart also desires companionship.
As I sit here on my porch, listening to the night, I can’t help but wish that there was another chair placed and occupied here next to me.
Sometimes I wonder- where that person that God so carefully has curated for me is in this world. Have I met him? Or perhaps our first hello is still waiting somewhere in the future…
I think it’s okay- to realize the wholeness within yourself while also craving the companionship of another. To still remain driven towards your personal goals, hopes, and dreams, while also wanting to have someone to occasionally glance over at in the silence and flash the slightest smile of acknowledgement.
I’m sure this post seems a tad out of place. Why am I deciding to publicly post something in the realm of this topic? Well, as I’ve worked to navigate this in my life, I know I mustn’t be the only human being who feels this way in this world. And while some may read this and laugh, or possibly even find it the slightest bit weird that I decided to publish my vulnerability on a page for whoever to read, I hope there’s also some who nodded a few times while scanning these paragraphs- recognizing a time they used to feel this way or perhaps even still do. As much as my posts in this space are a simple place for me to share, I strive to be a place where some of us can find a common ground. A place where these thoughts I string into words, touch one of you as well- to let you know you too are not alone in this journey we call life.
