Have you ever put a destination into the maps app in your phone to get directions, and then somewhere along the way, you lose service, need to be rerouted, and the loading circle on your screen just continues to spin- and then you’re stuck.
You’re lost.
No directions. No service. And absolutely no idea how to make it to where you were trying to go.
Last week was one of those weeks for me. As if the last few months I’d be trucking along on this road, inching me to closer to my destination- following what seemed to resemble some sort of directions- and BAM.
No connection and a little lost.
While having coffee with a friend, I began to graze the surface of these inner thoughts. We had been discussing the now and the future- the where we are and where we aspire to eventually go. I stated my now, and then spoke of my dreams- but finally followed with the brutally honest-
“I have no idea how I’m going to get there.”
Maybe it was just one of those spiraling moments- you know the ones where there’s a knock at the door and self doubt is the visitor…
The right thing to do would’ve been to slam the door in its face, but instead I found myself opening it a little too wide this time- and that self doubt had no problem creeping on in.
He responded-
“Time.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Not because his answer was funny- in fact, it was actually the perfect answer- the truest answer. I knew he was right, but I also knew that’s been one of my biggest roadblocks in life. When the speed limit is 25 mph, I’ve always gone a whopping 50- breezing past the world as it is around me. It was about time someone gave me a speeding ticket… a reminder to slow the heck down.
But then that leads me to this-
I’m always thinking about that toxic cycle of success. You know- the blinding qualities it has when it comes to appreciating where you’re at right now, in the moment.
I sometimes get scared that someday down the line I’ll look back and realize I didn’t truly enjoy moments I should’ve when I was younger- heck, I even feel that now, here and there. Like, I never knew the last time I stepped on that softball field back in high school was going to be the last time. I always got more caught up in the fly balls I missed or the strikeouts I had. And now, I couldn’t tell you that last time I played catch with somebody. I’ve brought my glove with me on all my moves, and yet it’s stayed inside that worn Under Armor backpack I got before freshman year that I still use as a gym bag today.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve begun to realize how much life changes- constantly. High school me couldn’t imagine a world without playing sports- it was completely ingrained in the person I was. And yet, as college classes progressed and corporate America creeped up, it hit me that those moments- the ones I spent focused on what went wrong and where I wanted to go next- I should’ve spent more right there. On the field, or that court. In that kitchen or on that dance floor.
But here’s the thing. As I embrace that fear of not having enough gratitude for the stage of life I’m in now, or where I am at. I also fear that if I get too caught up in where I’m currently at, I will never get to where I would want to eventually go. That I’d get so lost in the now, that the ambition and drive for future goals would lose its intensity- therefore leading to aspirations that get left in the dream bubble but never have their real life moment here on earth.
I find the whole concept to be a paradox, honestly. Like a game of tug of war that has been going on for years that’s getting quite exhausting. Which is the winner- what side?
I guess I don’t know if there’s really a right or wrong answer. I’m ultimately assuming it should be a mix of both; however, combining the two most times feels like I’m trying to intertwine oil and water- always inevitably separating no matter how hard you try.
So in an attempt to summarize the jumble of thoughts above, I’ve landed on this-
We must give ourselves grace when it comes to our dreams because the pursuit of them is all a part of the process.
