“Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In 10 years?” – a common question I’ve been asked in interviews fairly frequently as the past few months have gone by. This question always makes me pause, followed by a little chuckle. Parts of me wonder if my hesitation roots from the fact that there’s so much that I wish to do- so many different and diverse lives I want to live… but other parts of me wonder if my pause and contemplation stems from a more guarded- a more jaded- perspective.
If the last couple of years have taught me anything, it’s that life changes… constantly. In ways, I’ve stopped planning for the future because plans most commonly have a way of- to be quite blunt- not working out. It’s perplexing as someone who has always thought to have had it “figured out” to a certain extent- what I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to surround myself with. In just about a month or so, it will mark one year since I climbed up on that stage, shook hands with what was was and walked into what’s next…
At the time I could’ve sworn I had direction, and in ways I guess I did- but if we’re getting really honest right now- can I tell you what the most commonly stated phrase that has left my mouth the last 6 or so months is?
“I feel… lost.”
Like really lost. Confused.
I spent the better part of last year finding the truest form of myself and began showing up unapologetically as her every single day, and then somewhere along the way I feel like her and I started playing a game of hide and seek- a game I most definitely did not sign up for by the way- and I’ve been searching for a long time to find her again…
I reached out to an old friend a couple of weeks ago- a friend whom just a couple of summers ago I had connected with on ambition, drive, and yearning for greatness. She responded, “…I thought I knew what I wanted to do and now I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing with my life…”. Although an emotion-filled and deep statement, reading those words admittedly made my next breath feel a little easier.
I wasn’t alone.
As much as some attention has been brought to the “post-grad crisis” or “The Panic Years” as @wordswithruss likes to call it… I’m not so sure it’s talked about enough. To know what you want out of life, but don’t at the same time. Am I doing the right thing? Am I in the right place? And overall- Why do I feel this way… and how the HECK do I get it to stop?
To me, the proper answer to my initially posed question at the beginning, isn’t an exact destination. I’m not going to tell you that without a doubt I want to be the Creative Director at Ralph Lauren because what if I actually want to be a speaker traveling the world sharing findings on topics that set my soul on fire? Instead, I’ve started answering with what I aspire to be experiencing. In my latest interview, I remember sharing something along the lines of- “I don’t exactly know where I’ll be, or what I’ll be doing. But I do know that I will be learning and challenging myself every day. I will be trying new things, because I know not just one thing is meant for me in this life- and that is just who I am.” Although I’m sure many would’ve answered differently- providing an answer that undoubtedly would get them the position- you know, something like, “I see myself here, with this company still.”
I don’t. Or, I don’t know at least. Possibly? Perhaps. But also, maybe not.
This time last week, I was already planning on packing up my things and making another move come the end of this lease… I’d given this city a try and unexpectedly have felt that I’ve been chewed up, spit out, and that it simply wasn’t meant for me. I’d given chance after chance, changed my perspective many times, and even tried to find new opportunities that would make this place feel more like home. I continued to face rejection- in many forms… my mind was officially made up.
Friday morning I received a call. An opportunity that had been taken off of the table was unexpectedly being re-served to me and yet again, this new plan I had conjured up in my head was being destroyed- demolished actually. Life had yet again… changed.
So, I’m back to staying in a place that just four days ago I was ready to leave… funny how that works. But can I tell you- nothing about this is perfect, you know? I’m grateful, no doubt, and new opportunity means new lessons and learnings- so yes, it’s exciting, truly. But it doesn’t mean I’ve got it all figured out… and for some reason I just feel that’s important to note.
I’m not sure if we ever do- have it figured out? I think we find more of what we want and what we don’t along the way (with plenty of detours in between…). Perhaps I’ve been taking a detour recently, and I’m just now approaching the main road again.
I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me over the last 6 months- “Nashville looks so good on you!” … “I am so happy to see you thriving!” and for that I am deeply appreciative, but what’s ironic is internally I have been fighting (and what has also felt like losing) internal battles for the better part of my time here. A sense of belonging has felt nonexistent and community building has been hard. Purpose has been missing and direction, immensely unclear. And I also want to add none of this is being written in the hopes of a pity party- please… No. And additionally, none of this to say I am not blessed and grateful because I truly do still have so many things I can count on both my fingers and toes to be thankful for- but, I also want to remind us that there is an intense duality to life and experience. Positive and negative emotions can co-exist, and in fact do whether we like it or not.
I guess all I’m trying to say is you aren’t alone. And it’s okay to talk about the hard things- the scary feelings. Suffering in silence not only does a disservice to ourselves, but to others as well. We all struggle. I have been struggling. Perhaps some would say that today’s post should’ve been kept in my journal rather than being posted for the world, but then again, that would contradict my point here entirely…
Although I’ve spent the better part of this post shining light on darker and duller parts of the human experience, it’s important that we remember the cracks in the road along the way are making room for light to eventually shine through again… and in that spirit, I want to end this ramble with a statement I heard uttered on a podcast sometime this weekend-
“You have to let the good things happen to you, even when you’re going through it.”
And I haven’t heard anything truer.
