It’s my fifth official day here in Florence, and I’m currently sitting in the Giunti Odeon Libreria e Cinema- an old movie theater that has since been transformed into a bookstore. They still play movies on the screen and the old velvet tiered chairs still remain. So, here I am- writing and ready to reflect on my time here thus far.
Leading up to my move, I had so many people in my life asking how excited I was to be coming to Italy. It was always a hard question to answer- and I’m pretty sure my response always confused just about everyone…
I’d give the basic, “deep down I’m sure somewhere I am, but for now I’m just focused on getting there and living in the present moment.” It wasn’t that I was unexcited… but in all honesty, it was a lot of feelings all at once.
I was awake for 36 hours (with about 2 hours of broken sleep here and there) between the time I left America and went to bed in Italy… I knew I had a grueling day ahead and I couldn’t deny the nerves that flowed through my body as a 21-year-old traveling completely alone to a country across the world for the first time.
My first day, I didn’t eat a meal until 10:30pm- too scared to brave this new environment on my own… I’ll admit, it was a weak moment. In theory, it should seem simple right? I’ve moved around so much the last year and been able to get out there, so what’s the difference here?
Well, turns out there’s quite a big one… I found myself living in utter fear- scared of pronouncing an Italian word incorrectly or getting in the way of others on the streets. Very quickly I was made aware of how I am a visitor in a place that is not my own and never has been. I was always feeling like I was in the way- a mere inconvenience to those who do call this place home. I was lost, scared, tired, and hungry- it was very clear I was living in a constant state of discomfort.
Aware that leaving my comfort zone would only lead to immense amounts of growth- still, I couldn’t deny what I was feeling in those initial moments. The funny thing is that never once in these difficult and confusing moments, did I necessarily want to go home- of course I’ll always love where I come from, but I wasn’t necessarily homesick- just extremely uncomfortable.
And then through talking to a friend, I was reminded of something very important…
Before leaving my parents at the airport, the last thing my mom said to me was this-
“Remember, a smile is the same in every language.”
I hadn’t been smiling here, but instead was always looking down and away- scared of judgements and disapproval. In conversing with my friend, they reminded me the importance of kindness- “you’re too kind and friendly for people not to like you even with a language barrier.”
Upon reading that, I realized that the last couple of days I hadn’t really been myself- too scared to give a smile or lead with kindness. I was simply way too far within my own head and getting in the way of my own happiness. It was the reminder I needed.
As long as I lead with kindness and connect with a smile, I have done nothing wrong. If those who live here, can learn the English language because of how many come to visit here… I can make the effort to simply greet them in their own language. I stopped being scared of pronouncing something incorrectly- as no human being is perfect. If I say it wrong, they will correct me, and I will learn.
And as uncomfortable as learning can be- as we have to have the courage to be mistaken- how exciting it is as well…
Since having this mindset shift, every day slowly seems to get a little better.
This morning I looked in the mirror, gave myself a pep talk, and took myself out to breakfast. And now, here I am, sitting in this theater by myself, finding so much peace in being surrounded by a culture that isn’t my own. Although much of my fear still exists, it’s also slowly, but surely being turned into excitement- excitement to explore, learn, and grow.
And although I am sure there will still be tiny struggles in every day, and some moments will be better than others, it’s not all bad and that’s all I can ask for. We all have to experience a little rain sometimes if we want the flowers to grow…
While winding down for bed last night, I came across a video clip from one of my favorite TV shows… as one of the characters is laying on their death bed, with the option of being saved (bear with me…), another tells them this-
“… there’s a whole world out there waiting for you, great cities and art and music, genuine beauty, and you can have all of it…” – Klaus Mikaelson
So yes, that quote may or may not be from The Vampire Diaries, but personally, I don’t feel like it makes the statement any less true.
With studying abroad, I think comes a lot of immediate pressure to love the place you are in- because, how lucky I am to be in an entire other beautiful country, right? Correct, but as mentioned before- all good things take time. We can’t simply fall in love all at once without any bumps in the road. So, I’ve had my bumps- even perhaps some hills… and I’m sure there will be more- but nevertheless, I am finding the light through the cracks- finding my courage through a simple smile and ‘ciao’.
